Terror comes

The Miscarriage

The Miscarriage

Today was, in a word, terrifying. Everything was fine, I got up late, cycled for a while, had a shower and went to a work conference in Waterloo. Walking in, I remember thinking with a smile how I never thought I’d feel joy at bouts of nausea. I had a cup of chamomile tea, sat down to listen to the key note speakers and queued up for lunch with everyone else. It was when I went to the bathroom and noticed blood that the world started spinning and my nausea for once had a different cause.

I immediately phoned the GP where I have an appointment next week, and told them I was bleeding. They offered me an on the day appointment, a rare feat in the UK! The afternoon session of this conference passed in a blur of welling up eyes and mounting terror.

The doctor herself wasn’t really able to say or do much, but she gave me a note for an ultrasound at the Early Pregnancy Unit at Kings College Hospital where I then had to go to make an appointment for a scan. I decided to go straight over there (I realised upon arrival that I could actually see my lounge window from the window of the clinic). I gave the receptionist my letter and she referred me on to the nurse. I had no sooner sat down with the nurse than I started crying. I was just so scared.

I know that miscarriages often happen in the first 12 weeks, and that until that time is up, there’s really no guarantee, but that did not make me feel any better. I know I’ve only known for sure about my baby for 3 days, but I am already so in love with this little being growing inside me, In fact, today I understand why it’s easier for doctors and the pro-choice groups to talk about the “fetus” and the “fetal sac” – because when it goes wrong, as it does so often it’s easier to deal with than a child dying.

Anyway, at the clinic they were really great. The nurse, Pam, was so friendly and warm, that the tears that wouldn’t stop coming didn’t even feel embarrassing. She asked the gynecologist whether he would mind seeing one more person , which considering it was past five already was very kind of them. The gynea was great. He reassured me so much. He showed me my ovaries and told me it was the right ovary that produced the egg, he showed me the womb and then he showed me the tiny little button that is our baby. He told me to hold my breath and there I could see on the screen the white blip of my little baby’s heart. Wow. What a moment.

At one point, he was reading out measurements to the nurse and he said the baby’s head to bottom measures .03 cm (the crown rump measurement) to which I commented “my baby has a bottom!” The doctor and nurse laughed at me, but I was just so in awe of this white blip that can change the life of two professional adults in such a profound way.
Tsix-weeks1his little picture is not my scan, but the little white circle is exactly what mine looked like, my little baby at six weeks. Our Button is forming fingers and toes, retinas and ears, it has its own heartbeat and lives in a tiny little sac inside me.

I was so scared today. There is still a 30% chance of miscarriage, but today, this moment, my little Button is healthy and fighting fit.

Sharing the news

Well, it has been a surreal few hours. I called Martin at work last night to tell him I really felt like going out for dinner. cutesaying341We’re trying really hard to save money for a holiday, so he was hard to convince, but I got there in the end. I ran down in to town to see if I could find anything whatsoever that had the word “dad” in it – you know, “world’s greatest dad”, “no.1 dad” type fathers day gifts. I eventually found a dodgy looking mug and coaster set with “dad’s house rules” written on it. I bought it and a slab of chocolate (for the shock!) and on my return home, wrapped my first pregnancy test in a plastic bag and wrapped the lot up. I met Martin at the restaurant a little while later and told him I’d bought him a present. He opened it and his first response was “is this what I think it is!” I welled up with tears and said “yes – the doctor needs to wait for the tests to come back, but thinks I’m potentially up to 8 weeks already!”

The first decision we’ve made is to not make any decisions yet – so no rushing out and buying baby clothes or anything. We’re also not telling our friends yet. We need to be comfortable with it first, and enjoy our little secret on our own for a little while.

We did however, contact our parents the moment we got home. Martin’s parents live in England too, so we called them, and they were very excited. My family is a little more complicated, but I eventually got to speak to both my mom and dad. My dad was so excited (he’s wanted a grandchild for the last 10 years!) and sounded quite emotional while my mom became very professional very quickly. (She’s a midwife herself)  She started questioning me about my diet, my alcohol intake and my vitamin supplies straight away. My gran was just as excited, although she said she feels old.

Funnily enough it was my brother and sister’s reactions that somehow brought it home to me the most. When I told my sister, I started giggling with a giddy happiness – I felt like school girls behind a shed sharing a secret. Her joy was tangible and I felt it straight away. My brother is in India at the moment, and when I finally managed to get hold of him, he sounded quite awestruck, actually. In all, I felt such good ‘vibes’ from my family that I feel really blessed today.

It’s been funny being at work, really – I want to send an all staff memo, but I know I must keep it quiet for now. I just feel very smug from time to time, knowing there’s something wonderful only I know!

And then, from time to time, for no particular reason, it hits me: Inside me, there is a little human growing. A little person beginning to form and the thought just blows me away.

Finding Out

My name is Luschka.  I am 29 years old, married for 4 years. Today I found out that I am pregnant.  I always wondered how it would feel.  I always wondered if I’d know before the test showed it. I always wondered how I would tell my husband.  I guess by the time I go to bed tonight, I’ll know.

For the first 17 or so years of my life, I vowed I’d never have kids – who’d want to inflict this life on a child? Then I became involved with a guy who hated kids and was certain he never wanted any, which suited me.  I’m not sure if he still feels that way today, I’ve not seen him in about 9 years.  After him I fell in love with someone who for the first time in my life I could imagine having kids with.  That didn’t work out and again I wasn’t interested in kids, until I met my husband, Martin.  I’ve always thought he’d make a really good dad.  So we’ve been together for six years, married for four and I’ve wanted to start a family for most of that time, but our lives haven’t really allowed it.  We’ve moved a lot, changed jobs, travelled in non-family friendly ways – in fact mentioning family friendly, I’m looking around my lounge.  I’m going to have to move the Murano vase and move my grandmother’s serving dishes somewhere else.

Am I ready for this?  Well… I’ve wanted it for long enough. I guess I’ll become ready.  We have been trying, but knowing full well that this sometimes takes years for healthy people. I have been feeling very unwell for a few days – feverish, nauseous and one of my breasts really hurts, but since my period only ended a few days ago I decided I was feeling this way because of the virus that’s going around.  On my way home from work today (early, to get some rest) I stopped in to buy a pregnancy test as I figure its always better to be safe than sorry.  I was lying on the couch waiting to need the loo. Well, details aside, the test came up positive immediately.  I started crying, and laughing and crying alternately.  I always wondered how it would feel.  Now I know.

I am scared. Happy. But very scared. I don’t have a permanent job, so this could be a problem for us – but I believe in God and I believe that every child is his creation.  He hasn’t made me conceive for the first time in 11 years of sexual activity just to dump us in to poverty.  No.  I am happy and a little scared and I can’t wait for Martin to get home so I can tell him.  He was meant to go out with colleagues tonight, but he called to tell me he is coming home instead – what a surprise he’s coming home to.


Here’s something I wrote in September 2001 following a dream where I was pregnant

Mommy loves you

Mommy loves you,
this is true
although you are not born yetI feel you within me
how can it be
something pure and perfect from me?

I can’t wait to hold you
to feed you
to see your little body grow

I long to feel you kick
but you are still too small
this journey’s so unique

But for now, in the meantime
There’ll be no harm from me
for I love you completely

I wonder how your daddy feels,
he hasn’t said to much to me
but when we lie in bed

do you hear him talk to you?
I see him smile and I feel happy
our family will be complete

Mommy loves you
so have no concern
we’ll prepare this world for you

Matthew Bourne's Edward Scissorhands at Sadler's Well

One of the best things about living in London is the opportunity to discover a world of plays, musicals, ballets, exhibitions and every other cultural endeavour your heart could desire.

Tonight we went to Sadler’s Wells in Finsbury to see Matthew Bourne’s production of Edward Scissorhands. Although I had really wanted to see the show based on the previews on the website http://www.edwardscissorhands.co.uk, I wasn’t prepared for how…magical….the performance was going to be.

From the use of lights on material to create rain and snow, to the interactive, lit up, stunningly crafted sets of homes, a cemetery, the rising and setting sun, a backyard barbecue, and town Christmas party, to name a few, the costumes were beautifully representative of 1950’s America, puffy party dresses, dodgy running gear and pigtailed children who’s mothers wave them off to school, to the dancing sculpted shrubs, nothing was half done, or in any way short of fantastic.

The orchestra was in a league of it’s own with a score reminiscent of the movie, hitting the right emotional pitches all the way, Cheery suburbanism, passion, excitement, danger and hauntingly beautiful in places, it could stand alone as piece of art on its own.

The most striking performance of the night, in my opinion, was that of Noi Tolmer in the role of Kim Boggs – not only did she perform the role of a teen girl in the exhilarating fashion that leads you to remembering your own first kiss, and with a smile that reached to the back of the room when she realised she was in love with Edward, but she was also the best dancer on the stage. It’s with good reason that Matthew Bourne has had her starring in a number of his productions.

The final act ends in splendour with ‘snow’ falling on the stage and across the audience and the lengthy applause ascertained that I was not the only one to enjoy this fantastic show.

My only question now is whether there are any tickets left for the last week of this production, ’cause I could happily go and see it again!

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