I blame Eve, personally. If she’d just been able to refuse that apple, a lot of things would have been easier.Â But then, God could have made it easier too, couldn’t He?Â I mean, why could the Tree of Knowledge not have been an onion plant?Â Who would have been tempted by a raw onion?Â I think even Eve would have thought twice about biting in to a big, round, raw onion.Â But I suppose God knew what He was doing, and I won’t question it too loudly, I just think that since He forsaw what was going to happen, He could have given her a fighting chance, you know?Â An apple is like, curiosity. An onion is pure disobedience!Â And look how it turned out.Â
I have become the ultimate one sided bulimic. I throw up without the binge eating.Â A big glass of water, and I’m in the toilet. A bite of something to eat, and its to the toilet, even my pregnancy tabletsÂ last ten minutes, then I throw them up.Â It’s rather antisocial.Â The problem is that I’ve not actually been able to eat and keep anything since
Thursday.Â I went to the doctor yesterday and she chose to change my antibiotics as the ones I were on would apparently make the nausea worse.Â I had the first one fine, with some lunch (I had to go to four different shops to find a cheese and onion sandwich.Â I’ve never been much of a fan, but that’s what I had to have yesterday) and that, miraculously stayed down, perhaps cause I’d just given up half my weight in blood (three vials really, but it might as well have been more!) but last night’s tablet managed to disolve the shell but the bits inside landed right in the sewage works again.Â Lovely.
The doctor said that the UTI has become worse, although I do feel better,Â which I’m sure is because of the D-Mannose I took on Thursday/Friday.Â She also said that I had ketones in my urine and if I don’t start eating soon, and keeping the food down, she’s going to admit me to hospital to go on an IV drip.Â My glucose level and blood pressure were fine (109/85) On the questionable up side, I’ve lost 7 kilograms since new years.Â
I’m really struggling with work at the moment. Both the doing of it and the motivation for it.Â It’s not that there’s anything else I’d rather be doing, I just don’t feel like doing that anymore.Â I’ve always been very committed and regularly workd 40+ hour weeks, and now I’m lucky if I make 7 hours a day.Â My boss, Rachel, has been incredibly supportive and sends me home to work from there quite often, sometimes daily, which I can do with some efficiency, but I do feel like I’m not giving it my 100% which makes me feel very guilty.Â Sadly, no work for me means no pay, so I have to keep pressing on.
Martin has been the most amazing husband throughout all this.Â The house might look like a bomb hit it, not helped by the builders downstairs covering everything in a layer of dust on a daily basis (yesterday they were knocking the wall down as I was leaving.Â At the top of the stairs I looked normal, by the bottom I was covered in a layer of white dust and could chew the sand in my mouth.Â That helped the nausea.Â Not), but Martin is just being amazing.Â I can’t stand any odours at the moment, not coffee, or food cooking or garlic or anything and he has been so exceptionally good about looking after himself. Coming in from a long day at work to cook for himself and try to clean up after himself, he’s doing the washing and continuously conscious of my needs.Â I am so grateful for him. I don’t know what I would do without him. The problem is that even though I’m nauseas in the morning, and tired and nauseas in the afternoon, the bulk of my throwing up and feeling dreadful happens in the evenings/later at night, so even if I do manage to put a day of work in, I just can’t function at night.
Just four or so more weeks of this to go.
I was sitting yesterday rubbing my painful lower abdomen after the hundreth trip to the loo when the thought that if it wasn’t for my being pregnant, I’d have thought I had a bladder infection crossed my mind.Â I started musing about the fact that something the size of a small olive could be causing so much discomfort, when I had a strong desire for cranberry juice and suddenly the three strands of thought came together.Â Perhaps I wasn’t feeling the side effects of pregnancy at all, but might in fact have a bladder infection!Â I bought a litre of cranberry juice and spent the afternoon sipping the bitter juice, just in case.Â Now, I am not a medical professional, and I am not even sure if it is physically possible for the two to be related, but in the past 28 hours since I started drinking natures tonic for UTI, my bleeding has pretty much stopped!
Today I woke up nauseas as usual, but I have discovered that three or four sips of flat coke takes the nausea away long enough for me to have a bit of breakfast.Â (I’ve done some research and the amount of caffeine youÂ shouldn’t exceedÂ per day during pregnancy is equivalent to 8 cans of coke, or 3 cups of coffee! Another problem with coke is that the CO2 causes gas in the stomach which is bad for the baby too, but flat coke has no gas so can’t be bad for the stomach or baby, right?) Today was also the first time in a week that I wasn’t nauseas all day, but only for a few hours this morning, and then from about four this afternoon again.Â I do, however, get SO tired around three in the afternoon that the thought of curling up under my desk for a few minutes has occured to me more than once!
With the bleeding stopped, and a few nausea free hours, I had a moment of giddy excitement driving home from a meeting this afternoon.Â I’m going to be a mommy. What an amazing thought. I keep seeing in my mind’s eye a little white circle with a beating heart, blip blip blip at a 100 beats per minute.Â And thinking about that makes everything else worth it.
I do feel a little sorry for our baby though.Â I was reading an article that stated that the average amount that first time parents spend on the nursery and setting up for their first child is Â£4000.00.Â I’m afraid that our child won’t be getting anything near that from us.Â Poor little Button is going to have to share a room with the study for a while, at least till we move again, which we have no intention of doing anytime soon! The other thing to start concidering is childcare (you need to put your baby on a waiting list from 6 months before the birth).Â The nursery nearest to us is one for NHS staff members specifically, and their monthly rate for one child is Â£875. I honestly do not know how people afford that! I suppose if you’re a doctor or a specialist earning Â£60 – Â£120 000 per year, it makes sense to spend Â£11 000 thereof on childcare. If you’re a single parent earning less than Â£20 000 per year, you get working tax credits, family tax credits, childcare vouchers and others, which can really add up! Someone I spoke to today was telling me that she received Â£600 per month towards childcare.Â Well, that would make it easier, wouldn’t it. As we’re a couple and earn above the minimum amount, we don’t qualify for most of those tax credits etc. so we’re on our own. Ironically, we’d be in a better position if I quit my job and Martin only worked part time! It really makes no sense.
But – these are things we can worry about later, for now I’m counting the days to my next scan, and looking forward to the nausea free moments where I can imagine my little lizzard looking (for the moment!) baby swimming around in my belly.
I have begun experiencing what I can only imagine are mood swings.Â I realise I might regret, at some point, documenting my feelings today, but here they are, honest, if not painting a pretty picture of me.
I went in to work this morning, trudging through fluffy white calf height snow and feeling exhilirated. I’ve never seen
snow like it, except for once high up in the mountains of Oudtshoorn, South Africa, when I was about 5 years old.Â It was really beautiful and I enjoyed the walk, but when I got to work, I found there was no one else there, so after waiting about ten minutes in the snow I turned round and walked back home to work from the comfort of my couch.
I worked hard, all day, and managed to achieve quite a few things and it was only at the end of the day when I went to the loo and discovered I was bleeding again that I started feeling emotional.
Let me explain. I know that some people bleed throughout their whole pregnancies and go on to have perfectly healthy babies. I know that some people spot for a few days or even a month before they miscarry. I know that there’s nothing I can do at this point, but wait and see what happens. And unfortunately that is the part that is driving me crazy.Â The stock answer, and the one I keep telling myself is to relax, to stay calm, that worrying isn’t doing the baby any favours. I know that. But it doesn’t make it easier. How do I know my baby is okay, how do I know it’s still growing? You can still have all the symptoms of pregnancy for weeks after the baby dies. I know I shouldn’t be thinking about that, but how awful. My next scan is only in 12 days. For 12 days, I just have to see blood and not know.
I was talking to my mom earlier and she was telling me that when my brother was in Gordon’s Bay just before Christmas he spent time praying that we would be able to have a child if we wanted to. (He didn’t know that we do, nor that I had thought for years that I would not be able to, due to various problems I’ve had for about ten years) The amazing thing is that we fell pregnant that very same week.Â I’ve wanted to start a family for a long time, so the fact that it ‘accidentally’ happened that week – well, it’s pretty amazing.Â When I think about that, then I think that this baby must be in God’s plans, and in God’s hands and that makes me feel calmer, temporarily. Then the blood comes again, and with it the fear. It’s a nasty cycle.
Psalm 139: 13 – 16 says:
For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
When I started writing this page, I was angry. Angry that I’m still bleeding, angry that no one can tell me what’s going on, angry that I have no control whatsover about something that’s happening inside me, angry that I can’t protect someone I want to love so very much,Â angry that I had something with garlic in it for lunch, cause now all I can taste is garlic, angry that the snow has been replaced by rain and angry that I am just so alone, no matter how much anyone might want to be there for me, or help me, or cares about me (and I know many do, and Martin most of all) there is no one that can feel my fear. I am the only one that saw my baby’s heart beat and I am helpless to do anything and that makes me angry too.
But now I don’t feel angry anymore – I feel scared of hope, and that is worse.
I’ve been a believer in alternative therapies most of my life. From lavender bath oil to homeopathy, I firmly believe that there’s method in the madness, and a form of science, albeit alternative science, in the methodology of alternative medicine. I have in recent years become a follower of Dr. Edward Bach. He developed 38 remedies based on flowers found in England and Wales. The remedies are not meant to be for physical healing, as in homeopathy, but works with the root cause of emotional problems. Dr Bach felt that most diseases are caused by emotional imbalances, and as such could be treated by treating the emotion.
I signed up for a course on Bach Flower Remedies some time ago as I’d like to become a practitioner, and this morning I decided I need to start practicing on myself! So, here are the remedies that I am going to start taking, with a description of what they are for:
Mimulus: for known fears, in my case, the fear of losing my baby
Red Chestnut: for over concern for others, as in for the safety of my child
Olive: to combat the feelings of exhaustion
Hornbeam: to combat that “Monday morning” feeling, the lack of motivation that I’ve been experiencing recently
and finally, the best known of the Bach remedies, the Rescue Remedy for when the ‘down feelings’ get to me!
Obviously I won’t have them all all the time, but interchange them as I need them. I’m sure that will help me focus more on the good things, which will help the baby too.
I’m realising how important it is to listen to my body at the moment. There can be something that I’ve always loved that now, just the thought of makes me nauseas. Like cheese. I don’t think I go through many days where I don’t have cheese, but now, the thought makes my stomach turn. Or chicken. Martin made himself chicken sandwich for lunch today. It smelled great, but the thought of eating it – well that makes me lunge head first for the bathroom!
Oddly enough, the only thing I want to eat, and all I desire to eat is potatoes and sweet potatoes! I’ve always liked the odd baked potato, but right now I’m guessing my body is craving potassium. It seems, though, that rooibos tea and potatoes are all that don’t make me feel sick! Don’t worry, (mom!!) I had a large plate of vegetables last night, but still, I really only wanted a potato!
This should be an interesting week. This is my seventh week of pregnancy and my baby is starting to look more
human-like and is now about the size of a large grape, about 10,000 times bigger than the size of the fertilised egg. The face is beginning to form, nostrils, lips and a mouth with a tongue appear. The eyes are visible under a thin membrane of skin. The baby’s brain has formed with two distinct hemispheres. Along the back, a spinal column is visible and bones are beginning to form. The limbs have lengthened and there are obvious knee and elbow joints. Fingers are well defined, but are webbed and there are ridges on the feet that will become the toes. All the buds of the baby’s non-permanent teeth have formed. All the organs have started to form and are in the right position.
Now I just hope the little Button holds on!
Pregnancy is a very confusing time. It’s not the prospect of bringing a child in to the world, or having to child proof the house or anything like that. It’s not even the emotions involved, the joy, the fear and the uncertainty or the expectation. It’s non of that. It’s the physical stuff that I find confusing.
The bleeding continued yesterday, very slightly not even a lot, just pink enough to show up, until the evening when there was no more than a few drops of deep red blood. I know that worrying about it doesn’t help the situation, so you take a few deep breaths and try to calm your mind and carry on. I thought I was okay, till I got in to bed and started crying. Martin is as supportive as someone who knows as much as I do about all this can be. It’s terrifying, not knowing. Is our little Button’s heart still beating? Is it safe?
Our little baby is so much a part of our lives already
We stood in the study yesterday, mentally rearranging the furniture so that there’s space for a crib and a chest of drawers. Our little baby is so much a part of our lives already, and not knowing, just not knowing… well that is the scary, the confusing part.
Martin put his arms around me and held me, until I fell asleep.