I want to lay myself bare in front of someone. Not bare as in naked. I’m happy to keep my clothes on, but to be completely known. To be known without fear.
Maybe that’s only possible with someone new. Someone you’ve only just met. Before the judgements start, and before they know your whole life story. Maybe that’s a freedom that can only come from someone only knowing you in this context or in this space. Or is that the opposite of being truly known. But with knowledge comes shame. It’s why Adam and Eve covered themselves in the garden of Eden. They became aware of their nakedness, were ashamed, and covered themselves with leaves.
Why is nakedness, shame, knowledge and vulnerability so incredibly intertwined?
Being loved and cared for is precious and having people who love you because or in spite of your vulnarabilities is beautiful, but it’s also burdened. Is there a way of laying yourself bare without being vulnerable? Not really. Not when it’s your soul you’re talking about. The very core of you.
And why is it so hard to be vulnerable with people you know would just want to be there for you, who are eager to lift you up?
This is my problem. I don’t want anyone to think – or worse, to know- when I’m struggling. I don’t want anyone to be aware that things are hard. That money is too tight. That there’s no milk in the fridge. Or worse, that the coffee jar is completely empty. I don’t want anyone to know that I lie awake at night, terrified of doing the wrong thing, making the wrong decision.
I don’t want people to know this.
Because no one can really, truly help. Sure, in the short term, but then I feel indebted. And I have enough to deal with without feeling indebted too. And the ones that can’t help end up feeling helpless, leaving me feeling guilty. So I carry my burdens alone.
It takes all the will power I have to make it through each day. Some days. Not every day.
And so, to make sure that no one can see the weakness, the vulnerability, I build a wall all around me. It helps keep me strong, having a wall to lean against. It does help.
But it does get lonely in my room for one.